Introduction: This is a "note" I posted on my Facebook page on March 23, 2013 of which I'm particularly proud. I realize some of my ramblings are lengthy and some of you may not want to spend the time reading them, but this is one that I think is worthwhile as it gives a different perspective--a different way of viewing addicts.
I've been meaning to write about something for a'while...but wanted to be sure it was a time when I was really feeling it and could sit down and put the time, effort, thought, heart, and soul it deserves into it.
Over the past several weeks, I've realized that many of my friends and family here on Facebook are recovering addicts...I've also realized there are others who are still addicted and not yet in recovery (some on Facebook...some not).
Also over the past several weeks as crimes and accidents thought to be related to drugs or alcohol have taken place and been the topics of posts and comments, I've noticed the harsh judgment the people involved in these incidents have received from others. And while there have been times that I almost jumped to judgment myself out of anger or sadness related to these incidents, I've usually been able to stop myself and realize, "There but for the grace of God, go I"...
Alcoholism has been prevalent in my family for at least a few generations...probably more...both on my Mother's side and my Father's side...Among the members of the past couple generations, that has also developed into drug addiction in many cases, as well. I started drinking when I was 14-years-old...and drank a lot...to the point of blacking out on more than one occasion...it started with just drinking on the weekends, but before I knew it, I found myself drinking during the week, too. I was fortunate in that I had an epiphany, which is probably quite rare at that age...I was sitting with one of my friends complaining about my Mother's drinking, which had always been a bone of contention between my Mother and me, and suddenly realized I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I stopped drinking completely for a'while...and when I started drinking occasionally after that as a truly "social drinker", was very cautious about it and cognizant of the fact that if I wasn't careful, I could find myself on the path to being an alcoholic again...so during my teens, I would drink slowly and limit myself to a few beers...enough to get a buzz, but not wasted...and usually if I did have too much to drink here and there, I would try to go a'while without drinking again. You see, people with alcoholism (or addiction) in their genes and with addictive personalities aren't the same as others--it is very easy for us to fall into a pattern of drinking or using on a more and more frequent basis...oftentimes by the time we realize we "need" it to cope, it's too late to just stop. So, it is always with these thoughts in the back of my mind that I will drink on a very occasional basis...now it's maybe a couple times a year and almost always to "celebrate" a special occasion or event...it is HARD to live in this society and not ever drink ...drinking is so socially acceptable, it's ridiculous. I've seen hard core alcoholics judge drug addicts as if they're "holier than thou," when the two have more in common than the alcoholic will ever realize...when it comes down to it, both are addicts, their drug of choice just differs.
I've never been one to judge drug addicts any differently than alcoholics. Alcohol is a drug--it's just a legal and socially acceptable one. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I've never done any drugs in my life because I have...I dabbled in some soft things starting shortly after I started drinking...and, yes, I "inhaled," if you know what I mean. I chose to stop that when I became an adult due to the legality issue and not being one to be so stupid as to think I wouldn't get caught, as well as not wanting to have to worry about passing a drug test for jobs. I was also fortunate, though, in being chosen to participate in a class about drugs in 7th grade (while living in the Florida Keys) and at a key age, at that time at least, to "reach" for prevention purposes. I learned which drugs were addictive or highly addictive and am proud to say I've never touched cocaine in any form...I knew I had an addictive personality and wasn't risking even trying anything known to be addictive even one time (aside from alcohol, of course)...and had no doubt in my mind if I tried something, I'd probably like it and keep doing it...and having lived in the Florida Keys, a high drug trafficking area and an area where all drugs were prevalent, for a couple years in my teens and at the time I started drinking, cocaine was readily available and easily attainable...as it was in my early to mid twenties when I lived in Cleveland...and in my later teens and from age 27 and beyond in Ashtabula. But, I digress...that class, which apparently only a handful of "kids" were chosen to participate in for whatever reason (not sure if we were considered to be high risk or what...and maybe I was chosen being from a single parent low income household), changed and saved my life--I have no doubt about that. There was a kid in that class with me who, in 7th grade at 12-years-old, was a recovering heroin addict--yes, you heard me right...a full blown former IV drug user at 12-years-old. You have no idea the profound impact hearing his story had upon me...how life was for him when he was an addict...going through rehab...withdrawal.....it changed my life. I hadn't even started drinking at that point, but even when I did, I never ever forgot what I learned in that class and especially his story...I vowed I would never even try cocaine or heroin or the many other addictive substances I learned about in that class (crack and meth were just coming into the scene at that time in the Keys...and, yes, I did learn about those, as well). But, honestly, I think if I hadn't learned what I did, I would've been one to try anything and everything that was put in front of me, especially when I would've been drinking...and have no doubt I would've ended up addicted to one of the substances that it only takes once to get hooked on, such as crack or heroin...once again, "There but for the grace of God, go I".
As far as the consequences of both drinking and drugs, they are also similar. I would wager that 90% of my friends who are of drinking age have had "one too many" at least a couple times...I would also wager that a large percentage of those, because of their altered state, didn't realize just how intoxicated they were...and that many chose to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Most have been lucky and didn't get caught or charged with a DUI/OVI or get in an accident...but "they" will jump to quick and harsh judgment when a drunk driver is involved in an accident that results in the death or injury of others...maybe it's a defense mechanism...maybe it's to feel better about themselves...but the scathing remarks that they put out there for all to see at times are unreal. You'd think, in their eyes, that the only suitable punishment would be death...but yet, these hypocrites will continue to get behind the wheel of a vehicle after drinking themselves. While I don't excuse their actions and do feel they must be punished, I'm able to realize that these people are still human beings with families and friends who love them and are heartbroken and deeply affected by the events...and also able to realize that the individuals themselves are dealing with the consequences of their actions and will continue to do so for years to come...they don't deserve my judgment, especially on Facebook or elsewhere on the Internet, as well...and, again, I'm able to step back and say, "There but for the grace of God, go I".
There are consequences that aren't as severe, of course, at least as far as judgment by others. I have friends that have lost their children either directly or indirectly due to alcohol or drugs. Others have had marriages fall apart. Others have reached near financial ruin...or full out financial ruin. And, yes, there are people I've known who have paid the ultimate price...while usually those have been essentially acquaintances--people I went to school with and only knew casually, I lost the person I consider to be my best friend ever to drugs. That's another event that I believe changed my life, as well as my outlook and perspective...she died when she and I were only 21-years-old...she was a "good" person with a good heart...and she fell into the clutches of addiction and was one of the ones not to make it out alive...she stole from friends and family to support her habit...and I'm sure did other things she wasn't proud of...but I knew that deep down she was still that good person with a good heart and that her addiction had taken control of her life...and I just couldn't bring myself to be mean and subject her to the harsh judgment to which nearly everyone else in her life subjected her...because I knew, under different circumstances, it could've been me..."There but for the grace of God, go I".
When I look through my friends list, there are so many that I know have been personally affected by addiction. Some are former addicts themselves...others have loved ones that are still addicted. Off the top of my head, I know of EIGHT friends that are former addicts or alcoholics...in various stages in the recovery process...some have been sober for many years, but are still active in "the program"...others have been sober for many years and were able to quit on their own and just walk away from the life...others have only recently quit and are still fighting their demons on a daily basis, but damn it, they're fighting! Quitting is also a very personal issue--some need support in the way of meetings...others draw their support from within, close friends and family, or God...some need a combination. But I am PROUD of my friends that have been able to quit however they did it...and it truly gives me hope for loved ones that continue to struggle with addiction.
And, yes, there are people in my life that continue to struggle with addiction. It's a hard thing to see and deal with...heartbreaking, really. When you watch someone you care about continue to drink or use, essentially slowly killing themselves, at times it can feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. When you have been directly affected by their addiction in the case of someone very close to you...when they've forced you to be an enabler--lied or manipulated to get money or a ride or what-have-you--you can find yourself feeling guilty and blaming yourself (which is, of course, bull shit, but feelings are feelings). Oftentimes, you have to take actions that aren't easy to take...that are downright painful...in the name of self-preservation and to preserve your sanity and prevent from being too deeply affected by their actions...it might start as emotionally distancing yourself from the person...but eventually gets to a point where you have to physically distance yourself from them. Not because you don't care, but because you care too much. You'll let them know you are/will be there for them when they're ready to get sober, but you have to distance yourself otherwise because it's just too painful to watch what they're doing to themselves. The alcoholic/addict, of course, might feel abandoned...but you can only hope that will compel them to finally take action to quit. Granted they have to quit for themselves or it won't work...and sometimes they may choose to continue that lifestyle...but that doesn't mean you/we have to stick around to watch or participate. Having an alcoholic/addict in your life is a hard thing to deal with, for sure...the feelings range from pain, sympathy, and heartbreak to anger and bitterness. You don't understand how "they" can't see that their addiction is affecting you and others...and, again, while they have to quit for themselves, I think a key to their wanting to quit oftentimes is the realization that what they do does affect others...maybe I'm wrong since I've never been in their shoes...I don't know. But knowing the serenity prayer is as equally important to the loved ones of addicts as it is to addicts themselves (those in recovery and who have attended AA meetings know what I'm talking about).
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...
I cannot change other people...if the addicts in my life want to continue with that lifestyle, I cannot change that...I can change my reaction to it...I can choose not to assist or enable them in that venture...if and when they are ready to change themselves, which only they can do, I can be there for them...be supportive...offer encouragement...but, either way, I choose not to judge them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I"...
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