In Memory of my Brother (Rambling)

Three years ago today, my older Brother, Vince, passed away at 48-years-old. He'd had a heart attack a few days before and was without oxygen for over 10 minutes--a brain scan performed after he was stabilized revealed significant brain damage and little to no hope of a recovery and his oldest daughter, after discussing the matter with family members, had to make a decision to remove him from life support. It was a very unpleasant time for my family and me, as was much of 2010. 

Vince was a great older brother. Typical in many ways as far as picking on my Sister and me, he was also untypical in his levels of fun and creativity, as well as love. I believe his level of picking on us actually went above and beyond that of typical as he'd pinch us with his toes hard enough to leave bruises and also threw lit matches at us, but the fun of having him as an older brother far outweighed the annoyance of it. He was often stuck babysitting my cousins, who were close to my age, and me--not sure if it was that my oldest Brother and my Sister had other plans, or if he just didn't mind, or what. To entertain us, he would bring his audio tape recorder and we'd create little plays. I remember making many, many of these tapes and having the tapes on hand for quite some time until one day they just weren't around anymore--what I wouldn't give to have just one of these tapes around to listen to and remember and smile. The plays were often horror stories--I remember Vince would narrate in a scary voice not unlike that of Vincent Price from movies of long ago and have us kids say lines or scream at key moments and that sometimes we even worked from a script of sorts. It was so much fun making these tapes and getting to be little actors for them--I have no memory of being shy whatsoever when we'd make them...no giggling or shyly refusing to speak or scream or anything like that--I mastered the blood curdling scream rather well at a very young age thanks to my older brother. 

Vince was the sibling I felt closest to and who I felt was the most like me. We were both awkward and creative and didn't quite fit in. Both of us had a few close friends who themselves were as close as siblings and never sought to have a bunch of friends in the interest of giving the impression we were popular--such things didn't interest us. He was also like me in that he wasn't afraid to have serious and deep discussions when needed. When all my older siblings had moved out and I was left to fend for myself and deal with our Mother alone and on my own, Vince was the one person I could turn to for advice or to vent. While my oldest Brother and my Sister were a great deal alike and interested only in having fun (partying) and didn't like deep discussions that only served to bring them down (kill their buzz), Vince didn't mind. He was in-the-know about our Mother's ways and was also able to put himself in my shoes in order to try to understand what I was going through--while when it was all 4 of us at home our Mother would alternate on whom she took out her frustrations, he was able to realize and acknowledge that with it just being me, I was dealing with pretty much 4 times as much as any of my 3 older siblings had dealt with alone. I could confide in Vince about anything that was going on and know he would not only lend a sympathetic ear, but would also try to help me as much as he could with sound advice on how to handle a situation. 

Vince was also probably the least judgmental person I've ever known--I could tell him anything and everything--from my deepest, darkest secrets to anything of which I felt ashamed or embarrassed...and know he would never pass judgment or think any less of me. His lifestyle being one that is not always accepted by others, I believe he'd made a conscious decision to not judge others and accept people for who they were in the hopes they would extend him the same courtesy. In exchange, I did extend him that courtesy and never judged him or his lifestyle. I knew he was a good person with a good heart and that was all that mattered to me. 

Vince and I were also the closest to our Mother who, even though she had her moments when she was drinking, was also a good person with a good heart--we were both able to look past the mistakes and occasional bad times and see and accept her for who she was. When our Mother died in March of 2010, Vince took it very hard and to heart. Her death got him thinking about his own mortality and he even started planning his own funeral a couple months prior to his own death. When he ended up dying a short time after our Mother, I found myself deep in thought about it and thinking and feeling it was like he knew his time was coming. 

Vince's death was heartbreaking, to say the least. As I recall, the incident which led to his death took place on July 6th--his roommate called for an ambulance after becoming concerned about Vince's condition and behavior. He was living in Florida and the Police were also called to the scene--according to the police report on the matter, when the paramedics and police arrived, they found Vince disoriented and unresponsive to questions. When asked whether he wished to be transferred for further medical assistance, the paramedic claimed Vince had shook his head indicating "No" and had his roommate sign a form indicating his refusal of treatment--the Police officer on hand indicated he was in the room when the question was posed and did not witness this communication and that Vince only stared straight ahead with a completely blank expression on his face. After the paramedics left the scene, the Police officer felt something just wasn't right and "Baker acted" him--a practice in Florida whereby an individual can be transported in handcuffs in a police cruiser without consent if the officer feels it is necessary and in the best interest of that individual...if it is felt the person's life is in danger. It is believed Vince went into full cardiac arrest in the back of the cruiser--Vince was not breathing when the officer arrived at the hospital and was believed to have been without oxygen for over 10 minutes. This whole situation has left a bad taste in my mouth as I believe if Vince had been in an ambulance, where he would've been able to be given oxygen while en route to the hospital, he would have survived the incident--the medical personnel at the hospital were able to get his heart beating and stabilized just fine--it was the brain damage resulting from the lack of oxygen that directly contributed to the decision to remove him from life support and, ultimately, his death after that removal from life support. Granted, Vince may have gone on to have a subsequent heart attack and pass away at a later date, but he would've at the very least survived this particular incident and lived another day and been able to talk to his family at least one more time. 

There was a somewhat strange occurrence after Vince was removed from life support that warmed my heart . His Stepmother had gone to Florida to be by his side and decided to start calling family members one-by-one so we could say goodbye--she'd put the phone up to Vince's ear and give us time to say what we had to say and bid him farewell. I was the last person she called--we were having my Stepdaughter's high school graduation party and I believe she'd called a couple times and no one answered, so she had to keep trying. She finally got through and put the phone up to Vince's ear so I could say goodbye--I told him I loved him and that he could let go and be at rest. His Stepmother told me it was like he was waiting for me as he passed away a very short time after I finally spoke to him. 

Incidentally, I believe my Mother waited to hear from Vince before she would let go when she was dying a few months prior to that. Vince had actually had a trip to Ohio planned in advance that was to take place a few days after our Mother's death--Mom was very much looking forward to his visit before she took a turn for the worse...he'd told her of wanting to visit after she was diagnosed with cancer and it was determined it was too advanced, nothing could be done, and she was placed in hospice care at home...and that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to afford to visit "now" and later for a funeral...and she'd indicated she preferred he come visit while she was alive and wouldn't care if he couldn't attend her funeral. While he tried to move up his visit when she did take a turn for the worse, he ended up being unable to do so without it costing a great deal more, which he couldn't afford. While our Mother was very much "out of it" in her final couple days, I believe she was still looking forward to seeing him...the rest of us kids were visiting her at the same time and my Sister was telling our Mom, "We're all here" and she responded with a look that can only be described as saying, "No you're not"--confused and almost angry at the suggestion that we were "all" there. I believe our Mother fought to hang on longer than she should have--a blood clot had broken loose in her leg and went into her lungs and she struggled for every breath, but still hung on for over 24 hours. We had put the phone up to Mom's ear so Vince could say goodbye, but I think somehow she still hoped to see him in person as she continued to hang on. After watching her struggle for so long and speaking to Vince and telling him of my intentions, I finally went to her side and told her that Vince had tried to move up his visit so he could see her, but couldn't, so it was still going to be a few days before he would be there--then I told her that he loved her, that he knew she loved him, and that he understood she couldn't wait for him...and let her know it was okay...that she could "let go"...and that she didn't have to continue to struggle and suffer and try to wait for him. It was almost as if she was waiting for permission...or for someone to let her know for certain that he couldn't be there or wouldn't be there in the very near future and that it was okay to let go...as she did let go a very short time after that.  

Death is a strange thing and something I've already dealt with a great deal in my life...my Stepfather, Grandfather, Father, a very good friend, my best friend ever, cousin, Mother, 19-year-old Step Nephew, Brother, and Uncle (just off the top of my head). There has been strange phenomena that occurred with many of these deaths and a sense that the individuals, even being in a diminished mental state, were aware of what was happening and I personally felt connected to those occurrences in a couple of the incidents. 

My Brother was truly one of my favorite people and his death was very hard to take. I miss him and think about him a lot and often wish he, as well as my Mother, was still around to listen when I need to vent and to provide guidance and advice when I've been going through difficult times. He was loving and supportive and not afraid to express his pride when he felt it--I believe he was one of the only family members to send a Congratulations card when I graduated from college and was elected to City Council. He was a good person and while I do wish he was still here, I'm grateful that he was a part of my life for the time he was...

When I was Little (Poem)

When I was little
I didn't have a care
I'd run and play
And barely brush my hair
I wasn't much bothered
By my unusual life
I'd just go with the flow
And rarely felt strife
When I was little
Life was mostly fun
Laughing and singing
With just about anyone
I didn't stress much
About bills and romance
When an opportunity arose
I wasn't afraid to take a chance
When I was little
I felt so much love
I questioned very rarely
Not even if there's a God above
I didn't think about
Such serious matters
My discussions consisted of
Only frivolous chatter

But now I'm grown
And life is so tough
I sometimes feel 
Like I've just had enough
I want to run away
Or going into hiding
This is the truth
That I'm confiding
I don't feel much joy
I stress all the time
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm losing my mind
And I wish and I pray
Though I'd never tell
That I was little again
That would be so swell
To not have a care
Nor a single concern
To not have to think
But only have to learn
To be little again
Would just be so great
But I cannot go back
And that is just fate

Family Time (Rambling)

So, I spent the 4th of July with my brother, his girlfriend, his daughter, and my own daughter...and a couple random people (his girlfriend's family) that were there for only part of the time. It was good day and it was nice to have that family time--I've missed it. It was nice to have my daughter be able to spend time with her cousin that is only a couple years younger than her and who she hadn't seen or spent time with in a'while--they got along really well and had a lot of fun together. I think my daughter had more fun with her cousin than she has had with some of her friends recently.

My brother has been going through a lot lately--and so have I. While we haven't been extremely close and have had our issues from time-to-time, he is my brother and I do love him...and it's nice to have people in your life who know exactly how and under what conditions you grew up and were there 24/7 and experienced it first hand, so have some understanding of why "you" are the way you are...because they're the same way in a lot of ways. So, even though I usually only hear from him when he needs something...and that was how I came to hear from him recently and got invited to a cookout at his house...I realize that he does try to give back in his way...the cookout being the way this time. I also realize that, in a way, it speaks volumes that he chooses to come to me in his time of need...that he knows, no matter how long it's been since we last spoke or saw each other, I'll help him if I'm able to. He has 5 other sisters he could have asked for assistance, but he came to me. Some might think that reflects badly on me...that it says I'm weak or give in or allow myself to be used or taken advantage of...and that may be true to an extent...but I think it also shows that I try to be there for the people I care about and try not to hold things against them...and, while I may complain about him not being around and only contacting me when he needs something, I do still love him...unconditionally...no matter what.

Having family on the brain, it's only appropriate to mention that today is my Stepdaughter's 21st birthday. She and I also have had our ups and downs, but I'm proud to be her mother--the only mother that she's ever had, really. She's put me through hell at times, but she's another who was there 24/7 and experienced first hand the same conditions I lived under from the time she was 8 until she was 18, so has a unique understanding of why I am the way I am...as I do her. When my mother died just a few months before my Stepdaughter's 18th birthday, she was there for me more than anybody else--and that's the truth. While I think a friendship of sorts existed between her and me prior to that, the friendship really solidified after my Mother's death and I sobbed uncontrollably at my daughter's high school graduation not only out of pride of the event (which at times I wasn't sure was going to happen), but out of sadness from the realization she was grown up and was going to be leaving home and joining the Navy and I was losing my best friend. While I may not agree with every choice or decision she's made, she's become a strong, independent young woman for whom my heart is filled with pride and love...and I will always be here for her...and will always love her...unconditionally...no matter what.

I don't know if my family members feel the same way about me, but I hope so...for their sake...for truly loving someone is very fulfilling...and, because I love them, I want them to experience and feel that same fulfillment and joy, which can't be matched...