I was born February 20th, 1972, the illegitimate child of Carol and John. My parents never married due to my Father being very abusive towards my Mother. My Father's name did not appear on my birth certificate and I was given my Mother's last name at the time, which was that of a man to which she had been married for a brief time prior to meeting my Father--my Mother would later remarry leaving me to carry the name I was given, which held no meaning whatsoever to me, alone. I believe that simple fact affected me a great deal when it came to self-identity and fitting in and things of that nature.
Despite having a quick and extreme temper, my Father was always good to me. I was his "little girl" and he treated me like a princess. He was and to this day still is the most intelligent person I've ever known--he had a great mind that gained and stored facts and knowledge like no other I've seen and he could recall that information with ease and accuracy. While he was known as a tough guy and even referred to as "Big John," he was a big old softy with me and would bestow upon me kisses on the cheek as I sat on his lap and even wrote a very sweet poem to me on the day I was born. I never once for even a minute doubted my Father's love for me.
Despite being an alcoholic and having some issues of her own, my Mother was also good to me. I was her baby--the youngest of four children. Smart and tough in her own right, my Mother was a positive influence on me and in my life more than a negative one. She was passionate and not afraid to stand alone when it came to doing what she thought was right or needed to be done. In general, she was a people pleaser who helped others without hesitation when they needed it and would go so far as to borrow money from one friend only to turn it over to another friend who was in a jam and needed it.
My Mother was married five times in her life--the first was a brief marriage to her high school sweetheart, the second to the father of my three siblings, the third to the man who's last name I was given, the fourth lasting only eighteen months until his death which left her a widow, and the fifth occurring in her sixties up until her death. I think her history and the fact she ended her first three marriages, which were abusive and unhealthy, contributed more than I'm willing to even admit at this time to the formation of my views on and behaviors in relationships.
I guess you could say both of my parents had it rough growing up, which probably explains that initial attraction to one another. Both came from poverty stricken homes and families where alcoholism and violence were an everyday occurrence. Things were different back then--you didn't have children services or the court system interfering with people's lives like you do today.
Being the baby of the family, I guess I was spoiled to some extent, especially, I'm sure, in the eyes of my older siblings. I had a ton of awesome toys and usually got my way. I think I might've also been babied a little more than my siblings due to being considered fragile in some ways. I was born with dislocated hips and spent the first year of my life going to doctors and receiving extensive treatment for that condition. I later developed arthritis in my legs and dealt with a great deal more pain than most kids due to that. In addition, I was thin to the point of being "too skinny" during my childhood and adolescent years, which probably also played a role in being considered fragile.
My story with regard to my siblings is different than most. I have two older half brothers that resulted from an early relationship of my Father's who I'd never and still haven't met (though I've spoken to both as an adult). They were both in their twenties when I was born and the oldest already had a child when I came into the world, so I was born an aunt. Then I had three older half siblings from my Mother's second marriage who were significantly older than me--a brother who was 12 when I was born, another brother who was 11, and a sister who was 8. I think being the only child from my Mother and my Father and growing up with three older siblings who all came from the same relationship contributed a great deal to my feelings of being different, an outcast, and never quite fitting in. My siblings' Father also had four more children from his second marriage, who were also the half siblings to my siblings, which made me feel like I didn't mean that much to them, though I'm sure they never meant to make me feel like that.
Being a single mother, my Mom always worked multiple jobs to make ends meet and didn't have a great deal of time for me in those early years. My siblings were often stuck watching me and I credit them for teaching me many of the things a mother would normally teach her child. I remember all three of them teaching me how to swim, my Brother teaching me how to ride a bike, and my Sister spending several weeks before Kindergarten teaching me my ABC's and how to count, blow a bubble, tie my shoes, etc. Even though I'm sure they resented me at times due to my being the baby and getting my way most of the time, as well as being stuck watching me when they'd rather be out having fun, I felt loved and doted on by my siblings much of the time.
To be continued...
