Introduction: This was a Facebook note I wrote on February 22, 2012--2 days after my 40th birthday. As you can see, I've been doing this soul searching thing for a'while now. This one was pretty touching and made me cry when I wrote it. Rereading it, I realize that I've lost a lot of the faith and hope that I once had...and, also, that I haven't had anything really profound, that I took as a sign, happen in quite some time. It used to be that when I was really feeling down, at the end of my rope, and losing hope, something would happen to lift me back up and restore my faith and hope. This letter talks about a really positive meeting I attended that restored my hope and rejuvenated me...not having any of those events for many months (I believe since the meeting I referenced), a year after I wrote this I made the decision not to run for City Council again. In the past several months, I've felt like there's been a dark cloud hovering over me and casting a shadow of negativity on me, my life, and everyone around me. But, somehow, as I write this tonight and am reading some of my old notes on Facebook, I feel like that cloud is getting ready to dissipate and allow the light, which will appear much brighter than any other I've ever seen, to return to my life.
Dear Mom,
With the passage of my birthday, I'm inching closer to that dreaded day...the anniversary of your passing. March 3rd will be here too soon. I miss you all the time...thought I saw you on the morning of my birthday...choosing to believe I did. With the celebration (if you want to call it that) of my 40th birthday there's come a lot of reflection recently. Been doing lots of analyzing of my life past, present, and future...and trying to figure out exactly what I want. I can sum it up in one word--happy. Not sure how I'm going to get it exactly, but feel like I'm starting to get on the path towards it...baby steps...and feel like I'll make it there with you to guide me. I believe you sent me a message tonight...just wanted you to know I got it. Thanks! Been dealing with a little more stress than usual lately, but have a feeling everything's going to be ok...just a bump in the road...this vehicle is still in good shape and moving forward.
Just reread the line about your message...reminded me of watching "Signs" and "Sixth Sense" the other day...in both, of course, the dearly departed sent messages to their loved ones...it might all be b.s., but maybe not...maybe everything that's been happening...and the seemingly coincidental timing of it all...isn't a coincidence at all...but is exactly what was supposed to happen. That M. Night Shyamalan is a wise one...
Everything has been so surreal...there has to be a reason for it all...I just need to keep my eyes and ears open for it to be revealed...
Even the other day I attended this random meeting...the 5th that week...wasn't even sure if I wanted to go because it had been such a hectic week...but felt I had to because I didn't think anyone else (from Council) was going to go...and it was related to my committee...so I went...and am SO glad I did...the people that happened to be there...the topics that were discussed...even one project the hosts mentioned they were thinking of starting...it just seemed like I was exactly where I was meant to be at that moment...the right place...at the right time...I so needed that.
Not the first or only time that's happened either...I didn't realize it until just now...but it's been happening for a'while now...probably since shortly after you passed...Is it your presence I'm feeling in these moments? The people and events that have come into my life...and that I've chosen to accept...Wow! That's some deep stuff...
I remember growing up and the times we would be so broke and it seemed there was no hope...and just when we were ready to throw in the towel, something would happen to get us through it...I hated it back then, but am so thankful for it now...made me strong...made me have faith...made me believe that no matter how bad things get, better times are ahead...
On my birthday, your cousin Gary's daughter commented about how you use to go there and would talk about me...and were so proud of me...I miss that...I still remember right before the election when you told me that no matter what happened, you were proud of me just for running...and commented about me doing something important and trying to make a difference...it's kept me going....in the times where people that I know you would just look at...or spend a minute with....and be filled with disgust (like a certain someone you pointed out to me way back in '99)...are trying to bring me down...you've kept me going...and have made me realize there are certain people that, if they don't like me, I must be doing something right...
I know this kind of rambles...hope you don't mind...it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm beat...
Now that I got this off my chest, hopefully I'll be able to get some rest.
Peace to you...I love you...
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment