Lost Loved Ones & Ghost Stories (Rambling "Story")

As those of you who have read all my posts may have guessed, I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life. 

The first significant loss I remember was the death of my Stepfather when I was 7-years-old. He was a good guy. My Mom had known him for years and he absolutely adored her and had been asking her to marry him for most of those years. She finally agreed. For a Stepparent, he was good to me. His plan was to adopt me not only because he adored me almost as much as he adored my Mother, but also so I would be eligible for all the benefits afforded to family members of those who worked for his employer--he was a sailor with one of the companies that had the big boats on the Great Lakes. My "real" Father did not oppose my Stepfather adopting me as he knew the benefits were significant and worth it and my Mother and Stepfather made it clear my real Dad would always be my Dad and would always be in my life--I would essentially have two Dads. Unfortunately, my Stepfather's life came to an end a mere 18 months after my Mom had married him before the adoption could be finalized--he had a massive heart attack on the boat on which he worked that was believed to have killed him on-the-spot (he was found dead in his quarters). He was only 38-years-old. 

Shortly after my Stepfather's death, I had a strange experience that may or may not have been his ghost. My older cousins were watching and hanging out with me for the day--it was just us "kids". I don't remember what our parents were doing. A short time into the day, while roaming the neighborhood, we all started hearing someone calling my name as clear as day as if the person were right there with us. The voice was somewhat soft and distant sounding (best described as having a "haunting" quality), but still very clear and audible at a "normal" volume, and just kept saying, "Annie...Annie". It gave all of us the chills. None of us were ventriloquists or anything strange like that. When the voice continued to call my name pretty much constantly throughout the day, no matter where we were in the neighborhood, including once night came and we all went indoors, we started getting fairly freaked out. The voice was still as clear as day and sounded like it was coming from inside the home--we searched every nook and possible hiding spot in the entire home and found no one besides ourselves. The voice quieted for a'while and I was the first to fall asleep and my cousins swore that after I fell asleep they started hearing foot steps outside the home--they separated so that one of them could check the steps outside leading up to each of the outside entrances and, even while the sound of footsteps continued, none of them could see anyone or anything outside. The strange occurrences came to a quick halt after that, to never occur again, but stuck with all of us for many years. 

After my Stepfather, I experienced my Grandfather's (the last of my Grandparents as the rest had passed away before I was born) death from a heart attack when I was 11-years-old. My Father passed away from lung cancer when I was 15-years-old. My best friend passed away when I was 21-years-old--her death was related to a longstanding and ongoing addiction to crack cocaine. My first cousin, Andy, passed away when I was 34-years-old and he was only 38-years-old from complications related to leukemia--he was the first of my generation to pass away. In 2010, when I was 38-years-old, my family had a horrible year as far as deaths with my Mother passing away March 3rd from lung cancer; a Stepnephew dying April 4th officially from hypothermia after the small boat he was on was caught in a storm that came suddenly and unexpectedly on that unusually warm April day; my Brother leaving us July 10th related to a heart attack a few days prior that caused loss of brain function and a subsequent decision to remove him from life support; and an Uncle passing away December 23rd also from a heart attack. There were some strange occurrences with some of these deaths, but aside from my Mother, which I'll discuss momentarily, nothing significant enough to make me think it was anything more than coincidence, like a shadow seen out of the corner of my eye, a strange and/or vivid dream, and that type of thing. 

Regarding my Mother, I already mentioned an event that occurred on my birthday in 2012 in the Letter to my Beloved Mother. My daughter also experienced an event in January 2011 that she said was a dream, but pointed out when she told me the story, that it seemed real and she felt like she was really only half-asleep. She had a "dream" that my Mom came to her room (through the wall, not the regular entrance), was wearing a white night gown with flowers on it (she was wearing a hospital gown when she passed away), went & stood by the piano music box (that my Mom said she wanted my daughter to have when she died), smiled, said "Boo!" in a joking way, laughed, smiled again, and waved...that's when my daughter woke up and was looking at the piano when she opened her eyes. For some reason, even though it scared my daughter at the time, it brought me comfort...I like the thought that my Mom went to visit her and is watching over her...I want to believe there was some realness to that dream. By the way, the "Boo" thing is something my Mom would totally do...anyone that knew her and her sense of humor would agree. She would've never wanted to frighten her favorite grandchild, so would've "haunted" her exactly as my daughter described. 

In addition to close family members, there were a couple strange experiences in a home in which my husband and I resided. First, there was the night my husband swore he saw a female figure in white dragging herself across the kitchen floor. On a separate night when I was the only one awake, I saw a male figure dressed in all black go from a back bedroom into the bathroom--I thought it was my husband until the figure never came out of the bathroom and I went to investigate only to find my husband sound asleep and wearing only his underwear. I woke him to ask if he'd gone to the bathroom a few minutes prior, to which he firmly responded he had not, had been sound asleep, and acted as if I was crazy for asking.This was not one of those "I thought I saw out of the corner of my eye" events--I was looking directly head on in that direction after hearing a noise which, at the time, I assumed was the sound of him getting up to go to the bathroom. Another incident that I alone experienced early one morning when everyone else was still asleep was a low and deep male voice mumbling something--it was at a normal volume and I've never doubted what I heard--I nearly jumped out of my skin and immediately got the chills when it happened. A few months after these occurrences, the body of a woman was found 50 feet directly behind the home in a wooded area--foul play was most definitely suspected as the woman was wearing only a (white) t-shirt and underwear with a pair of jeans placed neatly underneath her, but the crime was never officially solved due to the decomposed state of the body. The woman was found in March of 2001 and had gone missing six months prior in September of 2000, about a month before we moved into the home--she had lived a few blocks from where she was found, which was the closest wooded area to her home. 

I am not one of those that believes anything and everything without question--I usually need some kind of proof. I don't believe in aliens or Big Foot and have even had my questions regarding God. But I have experienced some things that have made me wonder what happens after we pass away from this world. Were these ghosts? Were they perhaps dreams or unexplained hallucinations (related to being tired and/or delirious)? In the case of the voice calling my name, which several of us heard, was it a practical joke of some sort--for which the culprit opted not to reveal their identity (ever)? I don't know the answers to these questions--I only know that these things happened, that it felt very strange when they happened, and that they cannot be explained. 

Letter to My Beloved Mother

Introduction: This was a Facebook note I wrote on February 22, 2012--2 days after my 40th birthday. As you can see, I've been doing this soul searching thing for a'while now. This one was pretty touching and made me cry when I wrote it. Rereading it, I realize that I've lost a lot of the faith and hope that I once had...and, also, that I haven't had anything really profound, that I took as a sign, happen in quite some time. It used to be that when I was really feeling down, at the end of my rope, and losing hope, something would happen to lift me back up and restore my faith and hope. This letter talks about a really positive meeting I attended that restored my hope and rejuvenated me...not having any of those events for many months (I believe since the meeting I referenced), a year after I wrote this I made the decision not to run for City Council again. In the past several months, I've felt like there's been a dark cloud hovering over me and casting a shadow of negativity on me, my life, and everyone around me. But, somehow, as I write this tonight and am reading some of my old notes on Facebook, I feel like that cloud is getting ready to dissipate and allow the light, which will appear much brighter than any other I've ever seen, to return to my life. 

Dear Mom,

With the passage of my birthday, I'm inching closer to that dreaded day...the anniversary of your passing. March 3rd will be here too soon. I miss you all the time...thought I saw you on the morning of my birthday...choosing to believe I did. With the celebration (if you want to call it that) of my 40th birthday there's come a lot of reflection recently. Been doing lots of analyzing of my life past, present, and future...and trying to figure out exactly what I want. I can sum it up in one word--happy. Not sure how I'm going to get it exactly, but feel like I'm starting to get on the path towards it...baby steps...and feel like I'll make it there with you to guide me. I believe you sent me a message tonight...just wanted you to know I got it. Thanks! Been dealing with a little more stress than usual lately, but have a feeling everything's going to be ok...just a bump in the road...this vehicle is still in good shape and moving forward. 

Just reread the line about your message...reminded me of watching "Signs" and "Sixth Sense" the other day...in both, of course, the dearly departed sent messages to their loved ones...it might all be b.s., but maybe not...maybe everything that's been happening...and the seemingly coincidental timing of it all...isn't a coincidence at all...but is exactly what was supposed to happen. That M. Night Shyamalan is a wise one...

Everything has been so surreal...there has to be a reason for it all...I just need to keep my eyes and ears open for it to be revealed...

Even the other day I attended this random meeting...the 5th that week...wasn't even sure if I wanted to go because it had been such a hectic week...but felt I had to because I didn't think anyone else (from Council) was going to go...and it was related to my committee...so I went...and am SO glad I did...the people that happened to be there...the topics that were discussed...even one project the hosts mentioned they were thinking of starting...it just seemed like I was exactly where I was meant to be at that moment...the right place...at the right time...I so needed that. 

Not the first or only time that's happened either...I didn't realize it until just now...but it's been happening for a'while now...probably since shortly after you passed...Is it your presence I'm feeling in these moments? The people and events that have come into my life...and that I've chosen to accept...Wow! That's some deep stuff...

I remember growing up and the times we would be so broke and it seemed there was no hope...and just when we were ready to throw in the towel, something would happen to get us through it...I hated it back then, but am so thankful for it now...made me strong...made me have faith...made me believe that no matter how bad things get, better times are ahead...

On my birthday, your cousin Gary's daughter commented about how you use to go there and would talk about me...and were so proud of me...I miss that...I still remember right before the election when you told me that no matter what happened, you were proud of me just for running...and commented about me doing something important and trying to make a difference...it's kept me going....in the times where people that I know you would just look at...or spend a minute with....and be filled with disgust (like a certain someone you pointed out to me way back in '99)...are trying to bring me down...you've kept me going...and have made me realize there are certain people that, if they don't like me, I must be doing something right...

I know this kind of rambles...hope you don't mind...it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm beat...

Now that I got this off my chest, hopefully I'll be able to get some rest.

Peace to you...I love you...

Me 

There But For the Grace of God, Go I (Addiction Rambling)

Introduction: This is a "note" I posted on my Facebook page on March 23, 2013 of which I'm particularly proud. I realize some of my ramblings are lengthy and some of you may not want to spend the time reading them, but this is one that I think is worthwhile as it gives a different perspective--a different way of viewing addicts. 

I've been meaning to write about something for a'while...but wanted to be sure it was a time when I was really feeling it and could sit down and put the time, effort, thought, heart, and soul it deserves into it. 

Over the past several weeks, I've realized that many of my friends and family here on Facebook are recovering addicts...I've also realized there are others who are still addicted and not yet in recovery (some on Facebook...some not).

Also over the past several weeks as crimes and accidents thought to be related to drugs or alcohol have taken place and been the topics of posts and comments, I've noticed the harsh judgment the people involved in these incidents have received from others. And while there have been times that I almost jumped to judgment myself out of anger or sadness related to these incidents, I've usually been able to stop myself and realize, "There but for the grace of God, go I"...

Alcoholism has been prevalent in my family for at least a few generations...probably more...both on my Mother's side and my Father's side...Among the members of the past couple generations, that has also developed into drug addiction in many cases, as well. I started drinking when I was 14-years-old...and drank a lot...to the point of blacking out on more than one occasion...it started with just drinking on the weekends, but before I knew it, I found myself drinking during the week, too. I was fortunate in that I had an epiphany, which is probably quite rare at that age...I was sitting with one of my friends complaining about my Mother's drinking, which had always been a bone of contention between my Mother and me, and suddenly realized I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I stopped drinking completely for a'while...and when I started drinking occasionally after that as a truly "social drinker", was very cautious about it and cognizant of the fact that if I wasn't careful, I could find myself on the path to being an alcoholic again...so during my teens, I would drink slowly and limit myself to a few beers...enough to get a buzz, but not wasted...and usually if I did have too much to drink here and there, I would try to go a'while without drinking again. You see, people with alcoholism (or addiction) in their genes and with addictive personalities aren't the same as others--it is very easy for us to fall into a pattern of drinking or using on a more and more frequent basis...oftentimes by the time we realize we "need" it to cope, it's too late to just stop. So, it is always with these thoughts in the back of my mind that I will drink on a very occasional basis...now it's maybe a couple times a year and almost always to "celebrate" a special occasion or event...it is HARD to live in this society and not ever drink ...drinking is so socially acceptable, it's ridiculous. I've seen hard core alcoholics judge drug addicts as if they're "holier than thou," when the two have more in common than the alcoholic will ever realize...when it comes down to it, both are addicts, their drug of choice just differs. 

I've never been one to judge drug addicts any differently than alcoholics. Alcohol is a drug--it's just a legal and socially acceptable one. I'm not going to lie and pretend that I've never done any drugs in my life because I have...I dabbled in some soft things starting shortly after I started drinking...and, yes, I "inhaled," if you know what I mean. I chose to stop that when I became an adult due to the legality issue and not being one to be so stupid as to think I wouldn't get caught, as well as not wanting to have to worry about passing a drug test for jobs. I was also fortunate, though, in being chosen to participate in a class about drugs in 7th grade (while living in the Florida Keys) and at a key age, at that time at least, to "reach" for prevention purposes. I learned which drugs were addictive or highly addictive and am proud to say I've never touched cocaine in any form...I knew I had an addictive personality and wasn't risking even trying anything known to be addictive even one time (aside from alcohol, of course)...and had no doubt in my mind if I tried something, I'd probably like it and keep doing it...and having lived in the Florida Keys, a high drug trafficking area and an area where all drugs were prevalent, for a couple years in my teens and at the time I started drinking, cocaine was readily available and easily attainable...as it was in my early to mid twenties when I lived in Cleveland...and in my later teens and from age 27 and beyond in Ashtabula. But, I digress...that class, which apparently only a handful of "kids" were chosen to participate in for whatever reason (not sure if we were considered to be high risk or what...and maybe I was chosen being from a single parent low income household), changed and saved my life--I have no doubt about that. There was a kid in that class with me who, in 7th grade at 12-years-old, was a recovering heroin addict--yes, you heard me right...a full blown former IV drug user at 12-years-old. You have no idea the profound impact hearing his story had upon me...how life was for him when he was an addict...going through rehab...withdrawal.....it changed my life. I hadn't even started drinking at that point, but even when I did, I never ever forgot what I learned in that class and especially his story...I vowed I would never even try cocaine or heroin or the many other addictive substances I learned about in that class (crack and meth were just coming into the scene at that time in the Keys...and, yes, I did learn about those, as well). But, honestly, I think if I hadn't learned what I did, I would've been one to try anything and everything that was put in front of me, especially when I would've been drinking...and have no doubt I would've ended up addicted to one of the substances that it only takes once to get hooked on, such as crack or heroin...once again, "There but for the grace of God, go I". 

As far as the consequences of both drinking and drugs, they are also similar. I would wager that 90% of my friends who are of drinking age have had "one too many" at least a couple times...I would also wager that a large percentage of those, because of their altered state, didn't realize just how intoxicated they were...and that many chose to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Most have been lucky and didn't get caught or charged with a DUI/OVI or get in an accident...but "they" will jump to quick and harsh judgment when a drunk driver is involved in an accident that results in the death or injury of others...maybe it's a defense mechanism...maybe it's to feel better about themselves...but the scathing remarks that they put out there for all to see at times are unreal. You'd think, in their eyes, that the only suitable punishment would be death...but yet, these hypocrites will continue to get behind the wheel of a vehicle after drinking themselves. While I don't excuse their actions and do feel they must be punished, I'm able to realize that these people are still human beings with families and friends who love them and are heartbroken and deeply affected by the events...and also able to realize that the individuals themselves are dealing with the consequences of their actions and will continue to do so for years to come...they don't deserve my judgment, especially on Facebook or elsewhere on the Internet, as well...and, again, I'm able to step back and say, "There but for the grace of God, go I".

There are consequences that aren't as severe, of course, at least as far as judgment by others. I have friends that have lost their children either directly or indirectly due to alcohol or drugs. Others have had marriages fall apart. Others have reached near financial ruin...or full out financial ruin. And, yes, there are people I've known who have paid the ultimate price...while usually those have been essentially acquaintances--people I went to school with and only knew casually, I lost the person I consider to be my best friend ever to drugs. That's another event that I believe changed my life, as well as my outlook and perspective...she died when she and I were only 21-years-old...she was a "good" person with a good heart...and she fell into the clutches of addiction and was one of the ones not to make it out alive...she stole from friends and family to support her habit...and I'm sure did other things she wasn't proud of...but I knew that deep down she was still that good person with a good heart and that her addiction had taken control of her life...and I just couldn't bring myself to be mean and subject her to the harsh judgment to which nearly everyone else in her life subjected her...because I knew, under different circumstances, it could've been me..."There but for the grace of God, go I". 

When I look through my friends list, there are so many that I know have been personally affected by addiction. Some are former addicts themselves...others have loved ones that are still addicted. Off the top of my head, I know of EIGHT friends that are former addicts or alcoholics...in various stages in the recovery process...some have been sober for many years, but are still active in "the program"...others have been sober for many years and were able to quit on their own and just walk away from the life...others have only recently quit and are still fighting their demons on a daily basis, but damn it, they're fighting! Quitting is also a very personal issue--some need support in the way of meetings...others draw their support from within, close friends and family, or God...some need a combination. But I am PROUD of my friends that have been able to quit however they did it...and it truly gives me hope for loved ones that continue to struggle with addiction. 

And, yes, there are people in my life that continue to struggle with addiction. It's a hard thing to see and deal with...heartbreaking, really. When you watch someone you care about continue to drink or use, essentially slowly killing themselves, at times it can feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. When you have been directly affected by their addiction in the case of someone very close to you...when they've forced you to be an enabler--lied or manipulated to get money or a ride or what-have-you--you can find yourself feeling guilty and blaming yourself (which is, of course, bull shit, but feelings are feelings). Oftentimes, you have to take actions that aren't easy to take...that are downright painful...in the name of self-preservation and to preserve your sanity and prevent from being too deeply affected by their actions...it might start as emotionally distancing yourself from the person...but eventually gets to a point where you have to physically distance yourself from them. Not because you don't care, but because you care too much. You'll let them know you are/will be there for them when they're ready to get sober, but you have to distance yourself otherwise because it's just too painful to watch what they're doing to themselves. The alcoholic/addict, of course, might feel abandoned...but you can only hope that will compel them to finally take action to quit. Granted they have to quit for themselves or it won't work...and sometimes they may choose to continue that lifestyle...but that doesn't mean you/we have to stick around to watch or participate. Having an alcoholic/addict in your life is a hard thing to deal with, for sure...the feelings range from pain, sympathy, and heartbreak to anger and bitterness. You don't understand how "they" can't see that their addiction is affecting you and others...and, again, while they have to quit for themselves, I think a key to their wanting to quit oftentimes is the realization that what they do does affect others...maybe I'm wrong since I've never been in their shoes...I don't know. But knowing the serenity prayer is as equally important to the loved ones of addicts as it is to addicts themselves (those in recovery and who have attended AA meetings know what I'm talking about). 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference...

I cannot change other people...if the addicts in my life want to continue with that lifestyle, I cannot change that...I can change my reaction to it...I can choose not to assist or enable them in that venture...if and when they are ready to change themselves, which only they can do, I can be there for them...be supportive...offer encouragement...but, either way, I choose not to judge them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I"...

The Joy of Writing

It feels good to be writing poetry again...5 new poems since the 10th...not bad. I'd forgotten how much joy I get from writing. The other poems and couple ramblings were old...but the ones since the 10th (the most recent 5) are new...I posted them right after I wrote them. 

I still want to find my folder with all my old poems and post some of my favorites from those...I have no idea where it could be, though...looked through a lot of boxes and piles of papers in the general area where I last remember seeing it...and been trying to think if there's someplace else it might be...the thing must be 3 inches thick...has stuff going back to when I first started writing when I was only 14-years-old...and, as I recall, some of it was pretty good. I'm sure it'll show up...probably put it somewhere "safe" and the location will come to me in the middle of the night out of the blue. 

But, I digress...writing again has been somewhat therapeutic...getting some of the thoughts that haunt me into written form has been liberating. I love the "art" of poetry...that, oftentimes, different people can get different meanings from it, much like is the case with visual art. While all of my poetry comes from the heart, it doesn't always pertain to me personally as I sometimes write from the perspective of people in my life that I'm close to that are going through something...and, if it does pertain to me, it doesn't necessarily pertain to anything going on in my life right now, but could be about something I've dealt with or felt in the past that I'm still coming to grips with. 

I've had some pretty bad relationships and seen and dealt with some kind of messed up stuff over the years. I've been lied to, promised things that were never delivered, mistreated, taken advantage of, and taken for granted...it's made me suspicious and jaded and, since turning 40 last year, I've been trying to come to grips with my life...who I was before, who I've become, who I am, who I want to be...I'm a work in progress. I've been trying to figure out what went wrong in past relationships and why we weren't happy and what I want in future relationships. You'll see references to being loved in the same way as is loved, honesty, trust, etc. This is, of course, due to not having those things in past relationships and being things that I want in the future. 

As I continue with my search for myself, you'll probably see some changes in the tone and subject matter of my poems. This is a journey I embarked on alone, but in which I'm hoping you'll join me and get some joy and insight in doing so...

Favorite Movie Quotes...

From Fight Club:

• This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
• It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
• You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
• Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

From American Beauty:

• I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
• It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.
• It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.
• This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts
• I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

From Shawshank Rededemption:

• Get busy living or get busy dying.

Posting some Poetry...

Thought of something I can blog...my poetry...starting with seven that were in my Facebook notes for now...I have many, many more that I've written that I may share in the near future, too...and, of course, new poetry that is yet to be written...

Will see how this goes...

:)

Karma & Consequences (Poem)

Too many people

Go about their day

Never thinking that

Somewhere along the way

They're going to have to answer

For the things that they have done

All they ever care about

Is little ole' number one

They think that there won't be

Consequences to pay

They do whatever they want

Each and every day

They figure they'll just lie

Or perhaps blame someone else

But when it comes down to it

They can only blame theirself

'Cause everyone else will know

The truth as it really is

They won't believe the lies

And they probably won't forgive

And why should someone be forgiven

When they won't apologize?

Forgiveness can only come

When they finally stop telling lies

When they face up to their mistakes

And admit that they did wrong

Then, and only then, can they finally move on

For Karma is a funny thing

As "it" never forgets

And "it" will keep things from going right

Until you finally have regrets

When you finally make things right

Then Karma will make things right for you

That is why it just makes more sense

To do what you're supposed to do

You need to think of the consequences

For each thing that you do

And when you don't bother to think ahead

Then when things go wrong, you can only blame you!

Ann 3/26/07

Insomnia (Poem)

Head spinning

Too much thinking

If only I was one

To turn to drinking

But instead I lay in bed

And toss and turn

Waiting for my

Energy to burn

Sleep almost comes

Then so does a cat

Knocks something over

Such a brat

I lay there some more

Count backwards from 100

Look at the clock

Frustration turns to dred

Oh great...another day

Of feeling like a zombie

Please, oh please

Just somebody shoot me

No, that's too extreme

Can you hit me in the head?

I need some sleep

Didn't you hear what I said?

Oh great, here comes the sun

That ought to help--NOT!

How to get a good night's sleep

I think I forgot...

Ann Stranman

7/18/11...Night #2 of my mid-year bout of Insomnia...

Light (Poem)

I'm looking for light

At the end of this tunnel

But the tunnel is far too long

If there is light

I cannot see it

So it must not be very strong

I'll keep pushing forward

Though I don't know what for

Not much to look forward to

But moving forward

Is all I really know

So I'll just do what I do

I'll hold out hope

Like I always have

That there's something good waiting at the end

Perhaps a pot of gold

Or the answers to my prayers

Or maybe just one true friend

But I sure am tired

It's such a long journey

And I don't see any relief in sight

It would so easy

To just give up

And finally call it a night

But I don't know how to quit

Been at it too long

It's no longer a matter of free will

It's like I'm on a conveyor

And something is moving me

While I myself am standing still

I need someone to push me off

So I can really move on

And head where I want to go

Because I see a few turn offs

I could use to change course

I just can't get to them, though

You see I don't think the light

Is straight ahead

Or that this tunnel will ever end

I think the light

Is on one of the turn offs

Just around a bend

I've been going this way

For a very long time

I should be able to see a glimmer by now

So, I'm begging you, God

Get me off this path

Or at least just show me how

Ann Stranman

9/23/2011