Life drives me crazy sometimes...Just when I think things are starting to fall into place, everything just falls apart...I am getting too old for this shit and just don't have the patience anymore...
I've made some progress in my life, but it's been so slow going and is always one step forward, two steps back...
I'm tired of starting over...with everything...
Jobs...I have a job...but am, by no means, happy or fulfilled...I'm just getting by...I settled for what I could get and, because I am tired of and hate starting over, will probably just stay where I am and continue to be unhappy and unfulfilled...stuck in my current living situation...barely getting by...and watching my multiple college degrees gather dust and my student loans for the useless and worthless pieces of paper they turned out to be accumulate interest because I can't afford to pay them...
Relationships...I tend to stay in unhappy relationships for far too long and the last one took the cake...I've told myself that it was for the kids...or not wanting to give up hope...and those things were probably part of the reason for part of the time...but I think deep down I was just not wanting to start over and/or afraid to be alone...I truly believe that relationship damaged me beyond repair...I find myself incapable of trusting and constantly questioning...and since he hasn't and, it appears, won't, let me go and/or leave me alone anyway...ever...I'm about to give up hope of ever being able to have a happy and healthy relationship...and there's part of me that thinks that's not such a bad thing...that just being alone would do me good...I am damaged goods and my self esteem is so broken that I'll never be able to be happy anyway...I'll always believe everyone else is prettier, smarter, more talented, and just better than me and that whoever I'm with "wants" everyone else...and is just keeping me around to use me for whatever they can get out of me and/or because I'm "there"...until someone else comes along that will be there and better fits their "ideal" partner...which can't possibly be me for anybody...and I'll always believe I am being played and lied to and duped ...and there's no one on the planet with enough patience to deal with that and do what would need to be done to earn my trust...Yes, I said earn...Because, with me, trust is not just given, it's earned...
Life in General...I've dealt with so much crap with jobs and relationships...and life in general...Have gone above and beyond in jobs only to be tossed to the curb like a bag of trash...Having to go through the agony and hassle of finding another job...Only to have it happen again...And now I'm in a dead end part-time minimum wage job...Forty-two fucking years old with a Bachelor's degree and three Associate's degrees with a 4.0 GPA to boot and a rather impressive work history that should make me a shoe-in for any position I apply for...and all I could get was a job as a cashier...and that's only because I had a friend that worked at the place...What a joke...I'm such a fucking loser...Two long term relationships that turned into marriages and failed after 10 and 12 years...which, the fact they lasted as long as they did should be a testament to my love and dedication, but really is just a reflection of how much of a loser I am...no one in their right mind would deal with the crap I dealt with in these two relationships...which were the same in some ways, but very different in others...and I dealt with it for over half of my life...And, both times, when I finally walked away, I left everything of any significant value behind...which, in a way, I don't even care...I'm not materialistic, for one thing...it's just "stuff" in my eyes...and can be replaced...and someday my hope is to have a place of my very own filled with stuff that is all mine that I picked out and fits my tastes...if I meet someone who has similar tastes or doesn't mind mine who wants to share that place and add some of their own stuff, great...but, if not, then I'll have a place that is comfy and cozy and decorated just the way I like and want it to be...hopefully...someday...God willing...but starting over and having to get everything from furniture to dishes just sucks...
I don't know...I guess I'm just feeling down...and losing hope...and am just tired...Tired of rehashing the same damned arguments with my stupid ex over and over and over again...Thinking he finally gets it...only to have the same argument a couple months later...Tired of feeling like I'm not good enough...that I don't deserve to be happy...that I never will be happy...that I'm not worthy of someone even trying to do what needs to be done to make me happy and comfortable when it comes to a relationship...that I'm not worthy or deserving of a decent job...that I don't measure up...that I'm broken...weird...whatever...
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